There is always someone better

It's a good thing to not forget.  I don't like competing with others, because there is always someone better.  I don't want to struggle to be the best.  I don't want to be the best.  I suppose I want to be accepted even though I'm not the best.

Sometimes I still try.  I try because I know there's someone better than me, but then I know there's someone worse.  If I don't try, perhaps the worse person will and we will all have to suffer the consequences.  If I try, perhaps the better person won't, and we'll all suffer under my consequences.  But there are things I care about enough that even if they won't be done right, I want them at least done well.

I was speaking to a friend from campus about TAing and it fills her with anxiety.  I don't share that anxiety.  My undergraduate experience was filled with TAs who didn't understand the material they were sharing, or couldn't communicate, or didn't care.  If I want to spare some students that same pain, it's my responsibility to teach them.

I am part of a cool group of animal rights activists in Guelph.  I'm actually not a very fervent activist, but because I care about the issue, there are things I want to see done right, so I absorb responsibility for them.  Sometimes I mess up (sleeping in is the bane of my existence), but other times I try and I win.  I hope I've managed to contribute something to the group, as they contribute a lot to me.

Friends.  I have strange ideas about friendship.  To share a secret, on this blog I refer to a lot of people as friends who I wouldn't normally apply the term to: acquaintances on campus.  I don't mean to be a snob, but I hope to mean a lot by friendship, which my acquaintanceships don't usually call for.  I'm open to anyone becoming a friend, but I am also careful about who I consider being a good friend to: it's expensive.  Being a real friend is a big responsibility for me.  It attempts honesty, depth, sharing of secrets, adventure!, dependability, concern, good will and respect, loyalty, and caring.  Caring a lot.  And not expecting too much in return.  (If you know me and this does not sound like our friendship, it is probably because you are actually a zombie and I am a robot, fated to be forever enemies.)

People are hard though.  I'm aware of a lot of people who are better than me; better at school, better at computers, better at animals, better at drawing and writing, better at living wild and free, better at music, better at touching the soul and making it ripple, better at cooking, better at listening, better at being there, and better at being a friend.  So, should I try to be someone's good friend if I know it could prevent them from befriending someone better?  Should I consider trying to be among a person's best friends, or even their partner, when I already know that there's someone better able to fill the role out there?  It's a bit selfish, a little hopeless, a tad vain.  There's always someone better, and the least I can do is make it easy to be replaced.  But I suppose it's still good to want to try, to try to be there where others aren't, to try to be excellent for one another, even if I cannot compete.

I don't aspire to much, at least not much unrealistic, any more.  I've been developing an acute understanding of the extent of my ability to serve the causes and people dear to me.  I've had to cut back, even when it was  hard giving up on a good idea for computing at school, on intramurals, on the Internet.  But it's better than stretching myself too thin all over again, insisting on the impossible, and risking crippling stress again.  I have limits.

But within those limits, despite that I'll never be the best option for a job, I hope my earnest contributions to all my endeavours can be accepted well.